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Thursday, June 30, 2005
Safe inside myself
i held my daughter in my arms as we went down the elevator. i tried to absorb some of her bliss innocence. her ear was pressed against my chest. i wondered if she could hear my heart breaking.
i woke up this morning and felt something was missing. these are the mornings i dare not look in the mirror. i fear looking at my eyes and see how lost i've become... this time. old wounds open up momentarily and i close my eyes as i feel my heart twisting, gut wrenching. old ghosts are conjured and the only safe place is underneath my blankets. fear has set in and darkness surrounds. i wonder if you can hear a heart breaking over mountains and oceans. i wonder. i wander. -prescribed by-  @12:38 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Update
we worked all afternoon yesterday and anya has already memorized the entire speech... all four paragraphs!
there were tears, there were head-throbbings... there were cries of anguish. i hope all our hard work aren't for nothing. the school's having anya memorize this but it's not yet sure if she's the one giving the speech! grrr! -prescribed by- @7:42 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Selective memory
is this normal, or just my kid?
you see, my little girl's memory is a weird thing. She can recall episodes of Little Bill and Dora the Explorer... and it's been two years since she watched these shows. She can recall scenes from both the movies and books of Harry Potter... and she knows the words to Phoebe's Smelly Cat (from Friends). but, ask her what she did for the day... and she'll come up blank. She forgets to take out her plastic cup, which she uses in school for snack time, and bring it to the sink so we could wash it. SHE FORGETS TO DO THIS EVERYDAY, which is weird 'coz that's the first thing i tell her to do the minute we walk in our door from school. and whenever i tell her to do something (brush her teeth, take a bath)... she forgets all that halfway to the bathroom. she suddenly gravitates to either her toys or the TV. then i'd ask her, "didn't i just say to go brush your teeth?"... and she'd just smile sheepishly. so i said, ok... maybe she's being a kid and she memorizes the fun stuff and not the things she SHOULD remember. Lord knows how many "fights" we've had over school projects/notices that she forgot to tell me and only pointed it out on the day it's needed. that was until today... she has this speech (a long one, i might add) for graduation that she has to memorize. we got the copy last friday. i let her read it out loud a couple of times... and like the "responsible" parent that i am... i forgot about it all throughout the weekend. the word speech didn't come up at all. yesterday, we had a few minutes to spare before heading out to school. i suddenly remembered the speech. i told her to take it out of her bag and start memorizing the first paragraph. i'd like to mention that i was blog-hopping as i was telling her this, so i was half into it. i just thought that it's the best way to pass time. after five minutes or so, we head on out to school. the speech-memorizing task was forgotten once again. i had too many things on my mind, one is praying that i don't get an asthma attack as i'm sick with the flu right now. after school, we both goofed off and watched anime (Cardcaptor Sakura) all throughout the day. anya has already mastered the opening song (in japanese). today rolls in. we, again, prepare for school... then i remembered the speech. i told her, she should have it memorized by friday and i was being all sanctimonious that we should've worked on it instead of watching cartoons. i said, "i told you yesterday to memorize the first part. did you even try?" and she was like, "yes." "well, you better had the first part down by today." "i do." "you already memorized the first part?!!" "yeah." "say it." and she did. she memorized the first part of the speech. from that few minutes yesterday. all by herself. and she didn't even falter. this from the kid who forgets all the things she's learned that day the minute she steps out of her classroom. so,i ask you, is this normal, or just my kid? -prescribed by- @9:42 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Monday, June 27, 2005
Superhero
mommaK and monty (two fabulous ladies!) recruited me (well, actually, i asked if i could join...ehehehe) to be a member of their LEAGUE OF SUPER BLOGGERS! i am....
XTESSA, THE ASIAN ECSTACY  sexy and sassy, this introspective heroine wields her healing powers through laughter and inspiration. trained in the ancient arts sassiness, she will karate-chop anyone who belittles womanhood and motherhood! her favorite weapon, a quill made of phoenix feather! what are you waitin' for? make your own and head over to Petroville and The Daily Bitch to meet all the SUPERBLOGGERS! -prescribed by- @1:29 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Sunday, June 26, 2005
100
i started this blog without any expectations. i didn't expect people to read it, i certainly didn't expect people to like it. it was an anonymous blog... no blog explosion, no michele's weekend meet 'n' greet, no blog-hopping. i was just a blogger of one.
it was first called "musings of -x-", then "-x- marks the spot". then, as this blog was fast becoming a witness to my adjustment in a new country, i aptly named it "lost in hong kong". after a few months, there was a change within me... i got tired of hiding. i was in constant fear of rejection because the last time that happened, not only was i rejected, i was also desecrated... but i got tired of that fear. i wanted to be able to look in the mirror and accept the person looking back at me. i realized that i cannot please everyone. i can only please myself. and with a breath of relief, the shadow that was hovering over me slowly began to lift. and with all the changes happening around me, i decided that i don't want to be "lost" anymore. thus, this blog became "a dose of xtessa". now, some of you might wonder why i titled this post "100". well, THIS is my 100th post. with 100 posts under my belt, i've learned some things... that I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS. a lot of you have been witness to the many makeovers of this blog and as i continue to change, this blog will certainly continue to transform. that I AM NOT ALONE. no matter what i went through in the past, there's always someone out there who has either gone through it, or has seen worse in their lives. i have found beautiful kindred spirits in some of my fellow bloggers. that I AM A WRITER. a lot of bloggers are aspiring writers, some are even published. but even if i never get to see my name on a book cover, that doesn't make me less of a writer. WRITING LIBERATES ME. it's my comfort, my outlet, my one constant. passion doesn't even begin to describe it. ************** p.s. i'm inviting all lurkers to de-lurk... i know you're out there... there's someone from British Columbia, one from my home country... and one from Qatar who found my blog by searching "sexy fat ass" in Yahoo. p.p.s. and check out my SUPERHERO PERSONA at Petroville and The Daily Bitch! -prescribed by- @8:11 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Friday, June 24, 2005
My alphabet
i saw this over at Heather B... and because i'm drawing a blank due to a monstrous migraine, this is what i'm posting...
(oh dear gods of inspiration, grant me creativity for my future posts. take away my writer's block. thank you.) A is for Age - 27 B is for Booze - none for me... C is for Career - Supreme Queen of my Kingdom D is for Dad's name - Cris E is for Essential Item to bring to a Party - Me! F is for Favorite Songs at the Moment - How You Remind Me (Nickelback), Out of My League (Stephen Speaks), Unwritten (Natasha Bedingfield) G is for Goof off thing to do - play with Sims2 University H is for Hometown - Manapla, Negros Occidental, Philippines I is for Instrument you play - Piano J is for Jam or Jelly you like - Guava Jelly and Strawberry Jam K is for Kids - Anya, just one L is for Living arrangement - in a box in Hong Kong with hubby and anya M is for Mom's name - Cora N is for Names of best friends - MACKFELS, Tessa, Monique, Nicole, Jeanne and my sisters O is for overnight hospital stays - hmmm... too many to mention... a few due to severe asthma attacks and there's giving birth... P is for Phobias - fear of falling, cockroaches, ghosts, natural disasters Q is for Quote you like - "When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly." - Edward Toller R is for Relationship that lasted longest - with Robert, currently ongoing, will celebrate our 10th anniv next month. S is for Siblings - one brother and two sisters (all older) T is for Texas , Ever been? - Nope U is for Unique trait - I have ESP (ehehehe. don't scoff. i know what you're thinking.) V is for Vegetable you love - none?! tomatoes? oh wait, tomatoes are fruit, right? W is for Worst traits - LAZY! X - is for XRays you've had - again, too many.. most of them are my lungs (for asthma) Y is for Yummy food you make - ADOBO! and fruit salad and carbonara... Z is for Zodiac sign - Libra -prescribed by- @7:46 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Man boobies and modeling
a conversation between me and hubby the other night...
me: honey, you shouldn't really eat that much. you're gaining weight. hubby: i know. me: look at you. your tummy's all round. and you've got man boobies! (i proceeded to grab his, erm, man boobies for emphasis) me: you're so turning me into a lesbian right now. ************ ... and because i told diana that i'm gonna post my, ehem, "modeling photos" back in the day... warning: please stop drinking your coffees or eating your krispy kremes for the moment. i won't be blamed if you choke while reading this...   told ya i was a model! -prescribed by- @7:16 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
The magic 8 ball pt. 2
it's time for another round of Magic 8 Ball questions... again, don't sue me if you don't like the answers. i just type them as it is...
will hillary clinton be the next US president? VERY DOUBTFUL will the republicans win again? YOU MAY RELY ON IT will MJ ever be charged with pedophilia? WITHOUT A DOUBT will i meet any of my blogfriends? OUTLOOK GOOD will i like them in person? WITHOUT A DOUBT is tom cruise gay? SIGNS POINT TO YES now, the answers to some of your questions... Melissa 1. will melissa get a big raise in January -- better not tell you now 2. will melissa actually get to go on a vacation in august? -- signs points to yes Erin 1. will erin be able to get A what she wants for their anniversary? -- my sources say no 2. there is something erin wants, but she can't tell me what it is. will she get it? -- without a doubt Tee 1. will tee's kids drive her over the edge to clinically diagnosed insanity during TV free week? -- it is decidedly so (sorry, tee!) 2. will Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise really make it to the altar? -- yes definitely 3. will Angelina Jolie dump Brad? -- better not tell you now 4. if so, will Brad run crying back to Jennifer Aniston like the jerk he is? -- yes Jen 1. will they finally win Powerball and never have to work a day again in their lives? -- my sources say no 2. will she ever finish writing her book? -- as i see it yes Guppyman 1. is Xtessa a nutcase for trying to seek life's answers from a water filled plastic ball? -- most likely (ahahahahahaha!!! well, i didn't need the magic 8 ball to tell me that!) Marie 1. are there going to be any more earthquakes in California in the next few days? -- it is certain Heather B 1. when she sees Green Day in September, is there a chance that she'll get to touch Billie Joe? -- very doubtful that's it, folks! till next time! p.s. yes... it's a new look... so sue me! LOL! -prescribed by- @7:16 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Hands that rock the cradle
I look at my hands and realize that they are not the hands of a young girl anymore. They are hands that have aged remarkably, that have wiped away painful tears, hands that bled, hands that tried to hold me together.
When I look at them now, it reminds me of my mother's hands. A bit calloused round the edges, hands that have endured the passage from being a young woman to becoming a wife and a mother. I look at my daughter's hands and remembered having them. Hands soft and smooth, trusting hands that have eagerness and thirst for life, hands that are just exploring the world, learning its beauty and tragedy. Soon enough, her hands will be of a young lady's, gentle and timid, like mine were. Innocent hands falling in love for the first time, curious hands that will wonder on how a boy's lips could be so soft, hands that will tremble on the first exchange of love... hands that are full of dreams, full of life. I look at my mother's hands and am surprised at how they've aged. Weathered hands that are full of lines, life stories. It has seen life at its best and at its worst. These are hands that raised four children, held my father's hands for forty-one years, kept a home from falling apart, and hands that waved goodbye as each child took flight. Soon enough, they will be of an old woman's. Frail hands full of memories, holding on to life, yet have started to let go... a bittersweet beauty. I look at my hands and realize that they are rightfully mine. A little wounded, a little scarred, but gathering strength. It fits perfectly with the hands of a man I fall in love with everyday. Hands that will continue to grow in strength as time passes. These are the hands that piece me together. These are the hands that make me whole. -prescribed by- @3:30 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Monday, June 20, 2005
Father's Day 2005
it all started friday night, when anya and i waited for robert to fall asleep... we waited for the last minute before we begin our "artwork" for her dad. i was on the computer and anya was being impatient that my hubby was getting suspicious.
"when can we start painting?," anya asks in a whisper. "later, when daddy's asleep." anya then proceeded to our room and sat beside robert on our bed. "daddy, when are you going to sleep?" hubby, then, knew something was up but he didn't let on. he went to sleep and anya ran to me and excitedly told me the good news. we decided to do our little project in her room, this way, we could lock the door and not fear that robert could walk in on us. this took some fantastic manuevering on our part 'coz anya's room is a bit space-challenged.    i tried to take more pictures but my hands were all covered in paint. the project was a great suggestion by Tee in Diana's blog. it's a shirt with anya's footprints on the back and says on the front, "my daughter walks all over me". by the way, as we were painting, i was chatting with Diana so, yay, for me for multi-tasking! now, comes June 19. i woke up pretty early so we would have ample time to prepare for morning mass. i woke both the sleepyheads up after i took a bath and we proceeded with the gift-giving. this was anya giving her dad a self-made father's day card   yes, that's my hubby wearing his Incredibles jammies! after that, we gave him the shirt. okay... serious mistake by me... i bought a shirt that was a wee bit small for hubby's "healthy" physique. but, he laughed appreciatively as he gazed at our handiwork. this is hubby sucking in all excess flab  this is the back view of the shirt. we only got in four footprints 'coz i didn't realize how anya's foot was getting so much bigger and, honestly, i couldn't handle the mess we were making already. anya added the swirls and she would've added purple and pink hearts if i didn't catch her on time.  this was robert thanking anya for her gifts  afterwards, we attended Sunday mass. i got a great compliment from my daughter as we were singing, "you have a great singing voice, mommy." before the mass ended, the priest asked all the fathers in church to stand up and they were given "gifts". hubby got a crucifix, which now hangs on our wall. after mass, we went to Pacific Place and ate lunch at Dan Ryan's where robert enjoyed a half slab of baby back ribs. BEFORE  after two minutes  we walked off our heavy lunches around the mall. anya and i got new books while robert bought himself a map/directory of hong kong. then, i insisted on buying him the new Constantine DVD as my father's day gift for him. we both watched the movie last Valentine's Day and enjoyed it actually. then, the highlight of the day, we caught the new Batman Begins movie! christian bale SO rocks as the dark knight. i actually wanted the movie to go on and on. forget that katie holmes is there... she plays a minor role... but... well, i'm just gonna let you guys see it for yourself. it's my number one movie of the year (so far!)... we headed home afterwards... i fell asleep right after dinner. it was a mix of anti-histamine, early morning and batman mania that had me crawling to bed at a decent hour... finally. -prescribed by- @2:24 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Daddy's "little" girl
i'm the youngest of four siblings, and my sisters and my mom always tells me that i'm spoiled when it comes to my dad... maybe 'coz i'm the cute one in the family?!! LOL!
me and my dad in the 80's  MY, HOW SHE'S GROWN... me and dad in 2002  and, of course... my own robert and anya... 1999 (anya at 6 months)  2004  Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!!! (especially to my dad, my brother and my hubby!) p.s. i'm taking questions for my next Magic 8 Ball post... post your questions on the comments box!;) -prescribed by- @7:31 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Ivy tied me up! (heehee)
My new friend Ivy tagged me with this one: What 5 Things do you miss about your childhood? But first the rules to this meme game: Remove the blog at #1 from the following list and bump every one up one place; add your blog's name in the #5 spot; link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect. 1. Loose Leaf http://looseleafnotes.com Next: select new friends to add to the pollen count. (No one is obligated to participate). 1. Diana http://dewdides.blogspot.com now... where do i start? 1. i miss our May 1 fiesta. every May 1st, our little hospital compound celebrates the feast of St. Joseph the Worker. the hospital employees would break up in teams and compete with each other in sport events like baseball, volleyball and basketball. all of these happens inside the compound, by the way, so it's a special treat to the patients. our parents would invite almost everyone they know and we'd have a banquet in our house. all of our favorite foods are served and we'd have our own friends over and party all day long. 2. i miss summer vacations. as an adult, you just don't get to appreciate the summer the way you did when you were a child. we went to the beach, which was a few minutes away from home, and wade in the water all day long. none of us knew how to swim back then! LOL! my sisters and i would fight over our "floatation devices" (black inner tubings of a tire, we call it "salbabida"), and by mid-afternoon, the black jellyfishes would appear and we would run? swim? wade? for our lives 'coz it makes you itch like nothing when it touches you. 3. as i said, i grew up inside a hospital compound and there were no pizza joints, or mickey dees, or delis nearby. all we had was the hospital cafeteria, which actually offered decent snacks. this is where we usually buy our chips (we call it chichirya) and ice creams... and long before i knew what a credit card was, i mastered the art of "Charge It!", meaning, my dad, who was a doctor there, will take care of it the next day. all of these, of course, was always done without dad's knowledge. by the next day, my dad would walk home and he would act all indignant and furious and he would say, "You charged another gallon of ice cream on my account?"... and we would just laugh 'coz he couldn't do anything about it anymore. 4. one word: WORKCAMPERS. i'm sure my two sisters who are reading this are probably giggling like schoolgirls right now. two summers in our young lives, there came the workcampers. they were a group of boys from various parts of the country who went to our little town to do some farming, i think. these were college boys. some of them were really cute. and they stayed inside our little hospital compound. and the choirs of angels were singing Halleluia! It's Raining Men! and my mom, the ringleader, invited them to our house, and my sisters were all giggly and shy. two of my sister's closest friends actually stayed in our house the whole summer so that they could be in close vicinity to these fine human specimens. we actually went to the beach with them... imagine this, my parents, four girl teenagers, 1 girl pre-teen (me!) and more than 20 boys... oh, and did i mention that we attended an all-girls Catholic school?!! think about that! 5. i miss sleepovers with my best friends. my mom actually didn't allow us to sleep over a friend's house but we were more than welcome to invite friends over. as i grew older, my parents actually gave me the permission to spend the night at my friend's house ('coz her mom was my mom's best friend). but no matter whose house we end up in, we would stay up till the dawn talking about our crushes and gossiping about our classmates, and assuring each other that, yeah, your crush TOTALLY likes you! that's it! hope you have a happy weekend... and Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. -prescribed by- @7:10 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Friday, June 17, 2005
My first SPF!!!
i'm being a good girl this friday and i did my homework... here's my first ever SPF (from Kristine)!
*stuff that makes you wonder "What Was I Thinking?"  it was a momentary lapse of intelligence. i've never seen the show and i got all intrigued. what a waste of money... *stuff you're obligated to keep/display:  i kinda cheated on this one... i just moved so i don't have any of the stuff that was given to me that i kinda didn't like. this one, however, was given to me by my mom on my wedding day. it's a pair of earrings and a ring with opals in the middle. it's both our birthstone and it has long been designated to me to inherit it. so it is kind of an obligation, but something that i love fulfilling. *something you think no one else owns:  i know it's hardly rare... but these books are old! they once belonged to my older siblings and i think was among the first batch of publications... it's been passed on to my daughter now and i'll be retrieving more of our old books from my mom come xmas time.    so even if it's something that somebody out there might own, i bet a few could boast of having milk chocolate stains inside... have a nice weekend you all! -prescribed by- @11:18 PM -0 came for therapy session-
What happens at night...
Sleep Talking anya sleeps in a bunk bed and my "workstation" is located underneath it. you'll usually find me there in the wee hours of the morning when i can't sleep... like tonight for example. a few nights ago, i was, yet again, in front of our computer suffering from insomnia. now, i usually have my headphones on, listening to music. however, that particular night, i forewent the headphones 'coz anya had a bit of a fever and had been coughing... i wanted to be able to hear her once she gets a bit uncomfortable. so, it was all quiet... i was, as usual, blog-hopping. then, out of nowhere, i hear... "RAINBOW!" anya blurted it out, as if she's just seen a rainbow. now, it's 2 in the morning, so no rainbows to be found. i climbed up her bed and ask, "anya, what's the rainbow all about?" still asleep, she smiled and answered, "it's red, orange, yellow...." and proceeded to name all the colors of the rainbow. i, on the other hand, was trying not to laugh and in two seconds, she was snoring... and still smiling. **************** Nighttime Visitors last night, a reshuffling happened in our household. my hubby was already happily snoring away, while i was just getting ready to sleep. anya had been on her bed for a good two hours now, tossing and turning. i was totally engrossed with the book i was reading when our bedroom door opened. it was anya. "mommy, my throat hurts." "try drinking some water." "i already did." by this time, anya had already crawled into our bed. hubby was still snoring. feeling pity for anya ('coz she's been sick for the past few days), i let her snuggle with me. it was a tight squeeze. she used one of my arms as her pillow, and my other was holding the book. hubby is all oblivious to this. "okay, you can stay here for a little while till your throat feels better.", i told anya. now, i know her throat really wasn't painful. call it maternal instinct, but i know when anya's just stalling for time. her father, however, falls for it all the time. 20 minutes has passed and anya was still awake. my arm was numb from not getting enough blood circulation. i woke hubby up and pointed out our little visitor. he went, "Huh?", and fell asleep again. fed up, i woke him up again, told him to sleep in anya's bed instead. i said that he'd be better off there so we won't disturb him. clearly, it would take me awhile to get anya to sleep that night. hubby staggered away to the next room, bringing his pillow and blanket. i scooched over to the other side of the bed to make room for anya. not even a minute has passed, anya was fast asleep. ****************** Jolt have you ever had that dream where you are falling and by the time you hit the ground, you semi-wake up and your body jolts? i hate it when that happens. i read somewhere that it's actually a last surge of adrenaline running in your body. that's why it's important for you to relax before you go to bed... read a book, meditate, or just be still for a few minutes, so you can let your body know that you're winding down. hubby, being all stressed-out from work, has this nasty habit that the second his head touches the pillow, he just snores away. so, he does this jolty thing a lot. one time, he kicked the small electric fan that was beside our bed while he was sleeping. i, on the other hand, suffered a minor heart attack for thinking that something exploded in our room. i switched sides with him so that he'll have nothing but space on his side of the bed... nothing to kick but air. i didn't realize then that this was a wrong decision for my part... again, it was in the wee hours of the morning, still dark outside, and i was finally dozing off... a truimph for me and my screwed up body clock. hubby, turns on his side and faces me, happily asleep for a couple of hours now. he jolts. then, he kicks me... not once, but three times in a row! i was off that bed in an instant... and opted to blog-hop instead. clearly, sleep was impossible that night. -prescribed by- @3:57 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Thursday, June 16, 2005
What's yours?
first of all, thank you to the people who left their comments on my previous entry... some of you made me go awww, while some made me laugh my head off... let's just say, that's all taken care of... is it alright if i end my sentence with a preposition? LOL... now, on to business!
here's a funny test i found over at Brandie's: HOW NERDY ARE YOU?   this one, i did a few weeks ago and forgot about it. thanks, Martine, for reminding me!  get yours here! and i learned from Lisa's that... I'm an irredeemably eejitous, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, pathetically simple-minded, dribbling child! Brought to you by Rum and Monkey and i want to know what kind of pirate i am, so help me out! (click the picture to vote as to what kind of pirate do you think i am...) What kind of pirate am I? You decide! so, what's yours? and, btw... i don't despise nerds. i actually married one! LOL!!! right, honey? hubby was a Math major, then graduated with a degree in Metallurgical Engineering. now, how nerdy is that?!! LOL!!! papa, LOVE YOU! MWAH! mama -prescribed by- @9:20 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
A momentary lapse of coolness
xtessa won't be in today. i, her evil twin, will be taking over today's posts. you see, xtessa is a nice girl deep inside and is incapable of a proper rant. so, once in a while, i take over her and lash out to people who are stupid enough to get on my nerves in the first place.
first of all, to you who shall remain unnamed... ARE YOU FOR REAL?!!! STOP ASKING ME FOR MONEY! I AM NOT A BANK WHOM YOU COULD JUST CALL AND DEMAND MONEY FROM YOUR ACCOUNT!! I AM NOT RICH! I AM NOT MADE OF MONEY! I AM NOT A HUMAN ATM MACHINE! yes, i moved to hong kong, so you think i am better off compared to you. but NO! just because i moved here doesn't mean i am rich! once in a while, i wish that one of our conversations won't include you begging for something! can't you genuinely ask me how my life is going?!! do i have a large dollar sign stuck to my forehead?!!! aren't you wondering why i don't call you often?!!! 'coz I AM SICK AND TIRED of your whining ang moaning and begging... I WANT THIS, I WANT THAT!!! how many times do i have to explain to you that we are barely making ends meet here, that we are just adjusting to this new life! i didn't move to hong kong so i can support you. i moved here so i could have my OWN LIFE with my OWN FAMILY! they come first!!!! i promised i would help but only if i can and i have told you many times that i just can't right now!!! and why should i even bother helping you?!!! you were a cheapskate when i was living with you!!! consider this KARMA, you effing &(@)^(@%&%!))*__$^%@*((!!! second, to trolls... FOR THE TROLLS, DON'T EVEN BOTHER LEAVING A COMMENT. JUST LEAVE! I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR EFFING OPINION, AND IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH MINE, MOVE! THERE'S A NEXT BUTTON ON THE TOP-RIGHT CORNER. USE IT, YOU HALFWIT! BETTER YET, IT'S CALLED SENSE OF HUMOR, DEVELOP IT! there... ...A DOSE OF XTESSA will be back to normal as soon as she takes a relaxing bath. -prescribed by- @4:19 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Coming to you.. LIVE!!!
a few posts ago, i had a little challenge here and though nobody was lucky enough to get it all right... one of you got five points.
some of you may already know her and visit her blog often. she's funny, sassy and has a touch of poignancy... if you haven't visited her, then it's about time you do. this is a guest-posting by TEE from SPILTMILK: One of the first things I noticed about Xtessa is her passion for poetry. This is something we have in common. I love to write poetry, but also love to read it. For my "guest appearance" I would just like to post one of my favorite poems and dedicate it to Xtessa and all my other blog friends :) .... Like You (1975) By Roque Dalton (Translated from Spanish by Jack Hirschman) Like you I love love, life, the sweet smell of things, the sky-blue landscape of January days. And my blood boils up and I laugh through eyes that have known the buds of tears. I believe the world is beautiful and that poetry, like bread, is for everyone. And that my veins don't end in me but in the unanimous blood of those who struggle for life, love, little things, landscape and bread, the poetry of everyone. thank you, tee... now you guys go visit her! it's International Webloggers Day so spread the cheer! don't be a jerk, don't lurk! -prescribed by- @6:45 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Monday, June 13, 2005
The magic 8 ball
 i swear on a stack of imaginary bibles that all the answers haven't been tampered with or revised. i just type it as it is... will i reach my ideal weight this year? OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD. will i buy a new book this weekend? MY REPLY IS NO. will i just sit on my fat ass the whole week? MY SOURCES SAYS NO. will i just sit on my SEXY ass the whole week? MOST LIKELY. am i sexy? WITHOUT A DOUBT. should i get hubby a gift for father's day? VERY DOUBTFUL. should i just do something naughty with him? OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD. am i not naughty enough? YES. are you my conscience? MOST LIKELY. in LOST, should they have opened the hatch? REPLY HAZY. TRY AGAIN. same question. AS I SEE IT YES. will the 2nd season of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES be any good? DON'T COUNT ON IT. will the 3rd season of THE O.C. be any better compared to its 2nd, or at least at par with the 1st? AS I SEE IT YES. will there be another show like FRIENDS? YOU MAY RELY ON IT. is TOM CRUISE gay? YES. VIN DIESEL? MY REPLY IS NO. ORLANDO BLOOM? MOST LIKELY. is HUGH JACKMAN the hottest guy ever? WITHOUT A DOUBT. there you have it, folks... lemme just say that the magic 8 ball has never failed me yet. watch out for more magic 8 ball posts in the future! ******* edited to add: sandy wanted to know if: is brad really dating angelina? WITHOUT A DOUBT is he gay? WITHOUT A DOUBT. is it a marketing ploy? YES. and sandy, because i couldn't live without you knowing, this is hugh jackman...   now... you can look, but don't touch! LOL! -prescribed by- @10:01 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Sunday, June 12, 2005
MTV Movie Awards
did anyone catch the show? no? just me? is this late news already? sorry... bear with me. everything comes in late here in asia... well, except for jackie chan movies.
heniwey, it wasn't as funny as the previous (go way back) Movie Awards... but it had its moments. i especially loved the Best Kiss Award. As expected, Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams won the award for the Notebook and even reenacted the HO-HOO-HO-OT scene on stage. i was practically yelling to my poor hubby, "DO THAT TO ME! DO THAT TO ME!" then, they honored The Breakfast Club. i was like, yeah... good memories. but i practically snorted when Hilary Duff said that she was a big Molly Ringwald fan. really? was she even born when that movie was made?! i mean, who's a molly ringwald fan these days? and you have to be above 20 to be able to declare that, yeah, you are a molly ringwald fan. but, the highlight of the night was the awarding of the first Generation Award (or something) ever in the history of MTV. katie holmes walks out on stage and gushes about this amazing actor who had us at hello. my migraine started to kick in right at that moment. after the video montage of all the tom cruise movies and catchphrases, katie went into this mode where she did these gestures... i felt that she was torn from trying to be ecstatic to "what the hell am i doing?". she raised her arm up high, pointing at something, i dunno, then she crouched down to the floor, probably praying to the acting gods to give her enough acting abilities to be able to pull this through, then pointed something to her right with both of her arms and grinning maniacally at the same time. i guess, this was tom's cue to go on stage but he didn't. he must've been thinking, "nuh-uh. not while you're like that." so, katie goes to him and pulls him onstage and did the same thing together... that is, praise tom cruise. what happened to these two? i loved tom in top gun and risky business, and i loved katie in dawson's. somebody explain to me the logic behind this coupling! by the end of the show, the last award was to be given out and the presenters were tom cruise and dakota fanning. they went onstage together, tom carrying dakota in his arms. i was like, "run, dakota! run while you still can!" *sigh* now, i have to take my medication to get rid of this migraine. -prescribed by- @1:50 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Friday, June 10, 2005
Demons and monsters
if i had the courage to face you...
i would ask you why you never gave me the chance. i'd ask you, why did you judge me before knowing who i really was. what was it in me that drove you to such hatred, to such contempt? i need you to SEE me and realize that i have never been your enemy. you were so blinded by your jealousy that you never even gave the slightest thought to the consequence of your hateful wrong-doings. if i could just stop you for one moment and shake you to your senses, then you will witness all the evil you have wrought in your world. if i had the courage to face you... i would show you how much you hurt me. you will never know the full extent of the damage you caused me. as you lashed out, you broke something beautiful and fragile in me... something that cannot be pieced together by your shallow hypocrisy. if only i could show you the scars that resulted in your rampage, then you would know half the pain i had to go through. if i had the courage to face you... i would ask you why you kept the truth from me. why did you allow someone you love to believe that she has failed you? why did you hide your life from me? didn't you realize that i could have learned from your mistakes? if you could've just been brave enough to live up to your own mistakes, then i wouldn't have run away. if i had the courage to face you... i would tell you that i needed your help. but your pride was more important and took precedence. i would tell you that i needed you so much to be there for me... that i was so lost and needed the guidance of someone stronger and older. yet, you came too late and i was already drowning into my own darkness. if you could have just given me the slightest chance, then you would realize that i looked up to you rather than competed with you. if i had the courage to face you... i would tell you that i don't need your forgiveness or acceptance anymore. it is your choice to live in misery and resentment. i do not need you to take me down on that road again. you brought me there once and it has embittered me and jaded me. it is not a way of life i'm willing to live. if you know this, then maybe you can let go of all that is blinding you. if i had the courage to face you... i would beg you to let go of me. set me free. i am tired of this. please, never haunt me again. -prescribed by- @5:22 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Give it up for my hubby!
this morning, i screamed like i won a million dollars...
was still in a zombified-state when hubby called me in my mobile. opened one eye, thought it was my phone alarm, pressed something and continued to doze off. he called again. this time, i opened both eyes. thought that it's not my alarm 'coz if it is, my mobile should be blaring "Get Right" by jennifer lopez. instead, i was hearing "My Humps" by black eyed peas, which is my current ringtone. "huller?", i mumbled into the fone. "babe, i've got some good news!," hubby relayed. sat up a little, "wut?", wiping drool off my face. "i got promoted!", my hubby informed. proceeded to break mariah carey's guinness world record for reaching highest note. this went on for two minutes. hubby meanwhile went momentarily deaf and laughed while i was screaming my head off. calmed down enough to gush on fone... said goodbye, then hung up. was back to sleep in two seconds. *********** papa, love you so much! have i told you that i'm so proud of you? see, your hard work paid off! now, take me out so we can celebrate! mwah! mwah! mwah! love always, mama -prescribed by- @6:43 PM -0 came for therapy session-
I'm couchwoman! Hear me snore!
i swear, i'm turning into a cat.
for the past few days, i've has this addiction to tuna. i eat it ALL THE TIME. i mix it up with ripe tomatoes and eat it with steamed rice. i crave it morning, noon and night. and something's going on with my hair. i don't know if i'm over-moisturizing it, but the top of my head looks like it's been licked! and i'm so bitchy... much like our old cat. i scratch at the slightest provocation, sometimes even without. and you know how cats like sleep all the time, and move slow, and be vain, and think that they are totally SO above dogs (men... ehehehe)... well, that's me! also... i found this quiz from Sleeping Mommy... and it was so appropriate. just change the bottle of beer into a can of coke... and you get the essence of -x-.  You scored as Couch Potato Cat. Decorative pillow? No, that'd be you sitting on the couch, even still. Hmm. . . I'm guessing you have Web TV.
-prescribed by- @2:50 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Bad daddy! Bad daddy!
her eyes grew wide, her nostrils flared... then, a wail erupted out of her sounding like a police siren, an ambulance and a firetruck combined.
flashback to a minute earlier... "my leg is itchy!", anya complained as we were walking inside the mall. she kept stopping every few steps to scratch her leg. "don't scratch it!", i reprimanded, "it might scar." "but it's really iiiiiitchhyyyyyy!!!", she continued to whine, turning a two-syllable word into five. my husband and i bent down, and there at the back of her right leg was a pink, throbbing mosquito bite. "you have a mosquito bite.", her father informed her. "just don't scratch it." we continued to walk. anya stopped again to scratch. "i can't! it's toooooo iiiitcchhyyyy!" "lemme see," her father said as he bent down again to take a look. FLICK. that's when the sirens began. anya was pink in the face with pent up drama. the floodgate was opened. people were starting to look. "what happened?", i queried. my husband looks at me with a sheepish smile. "i flicked the skin beside the mosquito bite." "what did you do that for?", i asked incredulously. "i diverted her attention so she won't feel the itch anymore." i narrowed my eyes at him. "look," he said turning towards the wailing, look-at-me-i'm-being-abused anya, "is it still itchy?" "NOOOOOOO!!!!!", anya wailed the one-syllable word into a whole paragraph. "see?!", bad daddy grinned. ******* note: to those of you concerned that anya was traumatized by this incident, need not worry. she was back to being daddy's little girl before you can even say child services department. -prescribed by- @12:44 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Haunting my past
a few months back, i took a trip back home with my sister and -anya- to attend the wedding of one of my closest friends. this entailed us to go back to our province in the philippines. it wasn't the homecoming we quite expected. i guess, it'll never be...
we used to live inside a hospital compound. inside the compound were the doctors' quarters for the interns and residents, the nurses' dorm, a building for ICU (which was converted into the main cafeteria later on), the main building of the hospital... and five houses. just five. the first one was my home. it's where i discovered my passion for writing, my love for books, and the stillness of an afternoon. my friends could never quite understand how i could stand living in such isolation. the main hospital became our playground. my sister tried to teach me how to ride a bike in the hospital's basketball court, we ran like silly little kids whenever we went past the morgue at the back of the hospital, we stole prescription pads from my dad's clinic and make it our own stationery, we pretended not to look, but saw my eldest sister kiss her first boyfriend in the doctors' quarter's rooftop. it was indeed home. it was a sad day when we moved to a different house after my father retired. the new house was just outside the compound, but we could never have our old home again. besides, us four siblings have started our own lives. we have flown from the nest. on the last day of our trip, we decided to visit our old home. it has long been abandoned, the hospital was empty. it was overcome by wild plants, a defeated structure.  this was our old home. the one with with the broken window was our room. i got the privilege to call it my room for three years when my sister went to college. there i would sit for countless hours imagining where my dreams would take me. i watched rain and storm pass by from that window, we would peer through it as we stole peeks at our visiting suitors.  (our old home with anya and my sister, tlet) this was our front yard, a straight path to one of the hospital's entrances. it's the path my father would take on his way to work, accompanied usually with one of our dogs. at lunchtime, he would take the same path home and have lunch with the rest of the family.  and this is the road that leads to the main gate of the compound. it's the same road where i let a single teardrop fall as i said farewell to an old friend.  -prescribed by- @12:00 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Monday, June 06, 2005
Making sense of the sleep-deprived
as i've mentioned in my past posts, my body clock is screwed up and i'm currently drugged up with anti-histamines...
the results... incoherent thoughts. for instance: *scene 1: me: ugh! two months! hubby: what's two months? me: two more months till anya's summer vacation. hubby: really? me: well, less than two months but almost. but almost?!! *scene 2: hubby was asking me about something, which up till now hasn't registered in my mind yet. it was dinnertime and i just woke up. that's how screwed up my body clock is... me: don't talk to me about that right now. i'm just rebooting my system here. i'm half... asleep?!! barely awake, i wasn't sure if i was either half-awake or half-asleep. hubby: you mean half-awake. me: oh, whatever! i'm HALF. you get the point. *scene 3: me: i have writer's block. i've been neglecting my poetry. i used to write all the time. hubby: why do you have writer's block? me: i dunno. i'm just not that miserable, i guess. hubby made an incoherent sound. me: fight me. hubby: what?! me: yes. fight with me. then i can be miserable and i can write about how you made me miserable! hubby just stared at his poor sleep-deprived wife. [end scene] take pity on me if i don't make sense in the next few days. blame it on zyrtec. -prescribed by- @8:21 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Abused and overused
after a conversation with my husband, i realized that i have been overusing certain words and phrases. here are a few of them:
1. "whatever" - an actual conversation: me: i want to buy a new bedside table. you know, for my stuff... whatever. hubby: what kind do you like? me: well, i like one with some drawers, or a little cabinet... whatever. hubby: hmmm... me: or i could also go with a shelf-like one... you know... whatever. 2. "dear Lord" - this one, i use when i'm exasperated, frustrated, flabbergasted, bored, irritated... so, yeah, i use it a LOT. 3. "psshht!!!" - okay, it is not an actual word or phrase... but with a hyper six-year-old in the house, it comes up very often. i inherited this one from my mom whom, when my two sisters and i become a little rowdy or noisy, would immediately emit a "psshht!" and miraculously, it worked. we would shut up in an instant and try to blame each other by whispering. so now, when anya is being her unusual self and i'm either cooking or blogging (hehe), "psshht!" is like a magic stop button. -prescribed by- @11:23 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Yessss!!!!
just received the good news that -anya- got into the primary school that we wanted, our first choice. most of the international schools here in hong kong are pretty expensive and schools that use English for method of teaching are far and few in between. this morning, results came out for primary one allocation here in HK... and the school that -anya- really wanted was the one where she got accepted. she was practically jumping all the way to painting class...
now, on to business... a few of my blog friends have been tagging me and it's time that i do my civic duty (lol!)... first, from tee: Total volume of music files on my computer: i got more than 6GB of music files in my PC. it is both my hubby's and my music collection... The last CD I bought was: it was The Best of The Corrs... LOVE their music! Song playing right now: right now... nothing. but recently, i've been listening to the new Natalie Imbruglia album, "Counting Down the Days" and anything by Evanescence would probably be blasting through my speakers normally. Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me: 1. Love Moves (In Mysterious Ways) by Julia Fordham 2. Strong Enough by Stacie Orrico 3. Breathe No More by Evanescence 4. Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield 5. Fallen by Sarah McLachlan *2nd meme is from Diana and Melissa: 1. Blogger that you most want to meet in person? hmm... definitely Tee 'coz I think I found my long lost twin sister in her... and Diana 'coz she sounds like fun! 2. Blogger who makes you laugh the most? this is a tough one... definitely Guppyman's blog has always something interesting, Captain Picard 'coz he amuses the Trekkie in me... and True Jersey Girl 'coz ain't she just the funniest?!! Oh, and i can't forget Nikki and Morgan over at A Career Woman and A Housewife, and Brandie at The Second time Around! 3. Blogger whose template(skin) is the coolest? True's! her blog actually inspired me to revamp my blog skin... and my sister's 'coz i helped design it *cough* *cough*.;) 4. Blogger you can't wait to read a new entry from? okay, i usually check everyone in my blogroll, even if it doesn't say that there's a new post. but i normally head on over to Tee's and Diana's first, then to True's, always checking how twisted Kate has gotten, to Melissa's, Nikki and Morgan, to Guppyman and Presentstorm, to Angie, and to Taylor. and it goes on and on actually 'coz i REALLY go to everyone in my blogroll EVERYDAY. LOL!!! now, i'm tagging presentstorm with both memes 'coz she's the new kid on the blog (hehe), and diana on the first one 'coz you owe me for tagging me thrice already, and tee on the 2nd meme so i can just tag you back! have a fun weekend!!! -prescribed by- @12:43 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Drumroll please....
First of all... yes, Jean-Luc. it is the engine of my Delta Flyer.
LOL!!! Thank you for everyone who played... now, here are the answers: if we wanna get technical, it's actually called a BATH LILY. i just call it a puff.  Rocky Road Ice Cream  one side of a book  DVD of FRIENDS 2nd season  headphones  one of my PC speakers  now, the winners... i actually had a hard time judging this one. i don't know whether i was gonna accept chocolate ice cream or not! LOL!!! well, no one really got all the pictures... i knew the last picture was really hard... it could really be anything. pretty much everyone tied up in the end... and since i'm grateful to everyone who played, all of you gets the consolation prize of asking me a question about my life and i'll answer in my future posts, that is if you wanna know something. and since nobody got it all right, i'm awarding the Guest Post award to...... TEE! for getting the most points! so, look out for that one... again, thank you, everyone for playing! credit goes to PRESENTSTORM for posting this first... -prescribed by- @10:11 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Friday, June 03, 2005
Borrowing from present storm
because my brain is not fully operational right now, and i can't think of anything to post, really... i'm borrowing a great game from PRESENTSTORM's blog... i enjoyed guessing her pics, so i hope you enjoy guessing the ones over here...
*try to guess what the items are below: (extra points if you're specific!;))       the first two who can guess it ALL correctly can guest post on my blog (of course, subject to my approval). if no one gets it right, the first three who guessed the most items correctly can ask me anything they want to know about me/my life and i'll answer in future posts. now, i know there are some asswipes out there... MOVE ALONG, there is nothing for you here. have a great weekend! -prescribed by- @2:27 PM -0 came for therapy session-
Sun! Baaaad!
my body clock is all screwed up right now... i'm asleep most of the day, and i'm awake from 6:00 p.m. till the wee hours of the morning.
lately, i've been having allergies due to the heat. everytime i step outside in the daylight, my skin would all go prickly and within minutes, i'll be covered in itchy hives. as a result, i've been taking anti-histamines and it's making me sleepy all day long. if it weren't for anya, i'd never step out of this apartment till autumn. i'm just one of those quirky people who hates summer. blame it on growing up in a tropical country... sure, the beaches are wonderful but if you live in the city... it's pure hell. so now, i'm a bit of a mess. i can't focus on anything long enough to finish it... i think my brain is operating on 60% capacity only. ehehehe... -prescribed by- @1:56 AM -0 came for therapy session-
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Are we having fun yet?
Last night, my husband was in the middle of "installing" a new bookshelf in -anya's- room when he unearthed an old picture of ours.
 this was taken last year and we were at Ocean Park here in hong kong. that's me beside my husband, torn between laughing my head off and having a heart attack. i hate, hate, HATE riding in rollercoasters, but my husband LOVES them... and since i would go with him to the ends of the earth, a little rollercoaster ride won't hurt. ha! the girl in front of us wearing the blue shirt is my sister who shares my husband's love for these nefarious rides. my other sister who opted to forego the ride ('coz she's a wuss, ahahahaha) to stay with -anya- swore that i outshrieked everyone on that ride. if there were any glass windows nearby, i surely would've broken them. |
 
i'm a twenty-something dreamer and wannabe writer. currently living in Hong Kong
with the husband, the daughter and the dog.
for more illuminating tidbits about me, click here! if you want to read some of my deepest, darkest thoughts, click here! *xtessa feels  !*
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