I was raised a Catholic. During the first half of my life, I was bombarded with Catholicism, Jesus, Mama Mary and lives of saints. I went to a Catholic school, attended mass every Sunday and other days of obligation, and lived in a country with the highest percentage of Christians in Asia.

Faith, then, was easy to have. Prayer in school was a normal occurrence. The sacrament of confession could sometimes be a pain because we couldn't think of anything bad we did over the few weeks since we had our last confession.

I took my faith for granted.

Three times in my life, I remember losing faith. First was the time when I learned that people hurt each other. Growing up, you knew that this really happens, but not to you or your family. Why would they hurt me? I never hurt them. And you realize, you do. And people break you.

And then, you break yourself some more.

Now, why would God allow that?

That was a dark time for me. Once in a while, I'd be dragged to that place, but I have my anchor now, so it's easier to go back. Then, I hated everything about me, everything around me, and unwiling to point the finger to myself, I blamed everybody and I blamed God.

Second time, I wanted to be a wiccan. It seemed that it was more fun than being Catholic. You see how these other religions empower your spirit? I wasn't empowered. It rarely occurred. I grew up in guilt. Oops, I said a bad word. Oops, I was envious of my friend because she got a new toy. Oops, I smiled at a boy. Oops, my skirt is not below-the-knee-length, go straight to the confessional.

Third was just recently, although, I really didn't turn my back. I was more like the little kid whining to her mom why she wouldn't buy her that toy. I whined and I whined. Why was I sick all the time? Why was my life not getting better, it's getting worse? I kept asking God why.

I was losing hope. I was losing faith.

Funny thing about God, He always, always, pulls me back in when the tide carries me too far. Just when I'm about to commit myself into not believing, He would make me believe.

Take for instance, this recent event. I was frustrated because I felt that my prayers weren't being heard and that I didn't deserve this sickness. I was like a child sulking in one corner, waiting for her parent, to see it her way. But, of course, God always gets the last word.

After three months of excuses, I went back to church for Sunday Mass. I really didn't expect anything grand or miraculous to happen, I was just there to say, "Hey, God. It's me." Previous attendance showed me that the priest in that particular church wasn't as enigmatic and inspiring as the Salesian priests that I grew up listening to in our church. However, last Sunday, this priest surprised me.

It was like God got my message and he gave me the answers I needed. It was the first time that I cried during a homily.

The priest talked about faith.

He started by talking about how people ask God why certain things happen, why bad things happen to innocent people, why young children have to die a violent death when they are so innocent... He talked about the tragedy in Russia and the people who got killed in Haiti. He said that we may never know the answer but have faith that God will see you through, no matter how bad it is.

Then the clincher, he said that faith is not just believing. He told this story about a tightrope walker who crossed the Niagara Falls several times, once, by himself, the other, with a person on his shoulder, the other, he crossed with a wheelbarrow. When he reached the other end with the wheelbarrow, a politician was there to congratulate him. The tightrope walker said to the politician that he could even cross it with a person sitting inside the wheelbarrow. The politician said that he believed that the tightrope walker could do it. He said to the politician, "Okay. Get in the wheelbarrow." The politician declined the offer.

And that is the difference between faith and merely believing. The politician believed the tightrope walker could do it, he just didn't trust the tightrope walker.

And that was what I was missing. I believed. I forgot to trust.

Right then, I felt that I was finally at the right place at the right time. I am where I need to be in my life. And going to church that Sunday reminded me that God always, always sees me through.

"He never gives what you can't bear."

God is my shepherd. I am His lamb. I may stray once in a while, but He never lets me go far. He always finds me when I get lost. And He always brings me home.

-prescribed by-

@5:44 PM

-0 came for therapy session-