A Dose of Xtessa

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Spring cleaning in autumn

Today, I enlisted my husband to help me clean our apartment, as well as, rearrange the furniture. As it is the Mid-Autumn Festival here in Hong Kong, I thought we'd put the holiday to good use.

Problem is, apartments here in Hong Kong are mind-blowingly small. Unless you're paid a lot of money, all one can really afford to rent here are units that range from 200 to 600 sq. ft. So in our apartment, bumping and tripping into stuff is a daily occurence.

We rented this place partially furnished, so even if we want to make this place more cozy, we really couldn't do much. We can't get rid of the stuff that are too big for three people in this cramped space.

Still, I'm adamant on making this place feel like home as much as possible. Thus, the furniture rearranging, good feng shui and all... Some general cleaning is also much needed.

I just wish I could do something about that ugly purple sofa in the middle of my living room.

-prescribed by-

@2:34 PM

-1 came for therapy session-

Monday, September 27, 2004

Weekend, oh weekend, wherefore art thou weekend?

Well, this weekend surely went by fast. I remember planning my weekend last week... Funny how I never got to do whatever it is that I planned for, but still end up doing a lot of stuff over the weekend.

Last Saturday was my daughter's Chinese Language class, so the morning was spent in bed while my husband brought her to school. I love sleeping. After lunch, we decided to watch the first episode of CSI:NY. All CSI shows have this kind of atmosphere, CSI:LV was dark coz it's always nighttime, CSI:Miami is always shown in this orange hue, obviously, because it is sunny Miami. CSI:NY, however, is gloomy. The first episode had heart, but after the first two CSI's, I kinda knew where the story was going and it wasn't mind-blowing anymore. Too bad.

I also finished reading Mitch Albom's Five People You Meet In Heaven. It was a good read. Makes you think about your time spent here, how everything has a reason why it happened... I love the thought that when you get to heaven, they'll explain the stuff that happened in your life... why you lost your car key, why you ended up in a job that you hate, why your parents are the way they are... It got me thinking, if this is the case, who would be my five people? I hope it's not my mother-in-law. That would be hell.

Late afternoon, we went to Causeway Bay to meet friends for dinner. We went to Times Square first, window shopping... I sighed in front of Fall Fashion displays, while my husband ogled the plasma TVs. Afterwards, we went to Toys 'R' Us and, finally, bought Sims 2! It was a nice surprise as my birthday is still a few days away. Dinnertime came and we had Thai cuisine. The food was okay but Sukho Thai in Manila is better.

It's great that I get to practice my social skills once in a while. I haven't been around people in a long time... that sounds totally pathetic.

Once we got home, I was superglued to the computer. I installed the game and didn't go to bed till it was 7 in the morning. The only glitch is my computer needs a better graphics card. The game wasn't as smooth as it should be because of that one flaw.

Sunday came and went... after my husband pried me off the PC, we watched this new series Lost, which is about these survivors of a plane crash in a remote island. It's kinda intriguing... Later on, I was back playing the game, though I didn't play for long as I needed to wake up early the next morning.

Now, it's Monday. Back to deciphering my boss's work. I'm way overdue... Can't wait for next weekend.

-prescribed by-

@1:21 PM

-0 came for therapy session-

Friday, September 24, 2004

My mother's daughter

I found out yesterday that I inherited a disease from my mom. All the while, I thought that being asthmatic and being allergic to stuff was entirely my fault (flashback to my mom scolding me for not eating my veggies) as they would have me believe.

It was yesterday that I learned that my mom went through the same thing I'm going through right now. I got the "allergy" gene from her! She was allergic to pollen and I'm allergic to dust.

I also got her migraine and hypoglycemia.

And now, my sisters tell me that I look more like mom nowadays, rather than my grandfather, whom everyone says was my carbon-copy.

All these years of trying not to be my mom... Ha!

-prescribed by-

@11:26 AM

-0 came for therapy session-

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Pizza & friends in Sha Tin

Last Sunday, we went to a friend's flat in Sha Tin and had some pizza, pasta and Doritos.

It was a change of setting for me, since I'm usually stuck at home, editing some undecipherable interview. Eversince I got here in HK, I haven't met anyone worth calling a friend. The ones we usually hang out with are my husband's officemates since we're all Filipinos, and I've considered them as his friends.

At first, I thought that I would feel left out since they all know each other from the office. Surprisingly, I have more in common with them than my husband. We watch all the same movies, we like all the same shows and we all have the same bathroom humor (which I inherited from my mother, by the way). In the end, I enjoyed myself, which hasn't happened to me in a long time.

There might be hope for me, yet. I might even like living here.

-prescribed by-

@1:11 PM

-0 came for therapy session-

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Ferris was right

I really didn't want to work the other day, so I got myself a cold can of Coca-Cola and a bag of Lay's Potato Chips (barbecue, what else is there, right?), sat myself in front of the TV and watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

So appropriate.;)

And Ferris was right. Life happens very fast. If you don't stop and look around, you might just miss it.

Preach on, Ferris.

-prescribed by-

@5:59 PM

-0 came for therapy session-

Monday, September 13, 2004

Fire in my bell-e

I've been bitten by the pop bug. I love ... their music is simple and easy... reminds me of me and my friends back then... when we used to harmonize and pretend we were Wilson Phillips.

"I know... that it's time for a change." - hold on by wilson phillips

-prescribed by-

@8:58 AM

-0 came for therapy session-

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Fear factor

Since last year, I have been trying to write this novel of mine. I have probably written around six Chapter One's. By the time I finish one, I would scrap it and start all over again.

The story in my mind has evolved so many times, it does not resemble the original version. Everytime I try to continue, it seems my mind just halts. It just stops as if somebody switched it off intentionally. No, it does not go blank. My mind is teeming with plots and scenes and characters, I am afraid they would just overcome me and manifest themselves in my life.

Multiple personalities, anyone?

What is stopping me?

Fear?

Fear that once I am finished with the story, I would find out that I am not capable of writing a decent novel. It is hard when you are your own critic.

However, this is not what is stopping me.

I am so afraid that I would transfer whatever pain and broken memories I have into the story, and it would be too unbearable for me to finish.

"The grief is still too near." (Legolas - LOTR: FOTR)

I am a fool. I am still running away from my ghosts.

Maybe if I was not too cowardly to look behind me, I would see that even my ghosts got tired of all that running. Maybe I would realize that the only one I am running from is me.

Boo.

-prescribed by-

@6:27 PM

-1 came for therapy session-

Monday, September 06, 2004

I am a stranger in my own life

I am caught between two worlds, two lives: the world that I am in right now (the life I was given) and the world in my head (the life I have dreamt for me). This is a dangerous place for me, for I can be so consumed by the desire to escape my present life... I end up breaking my own spirit. The sadness that engulfs me everytime I look around and see a life I've never planned for... bears a weight inside me... too heavy that I gasp for air... in fear that it would be all too much?

At night, I sometimes find myself crying for the life I never had. It is ironic how an hour of guilty pleasure could, later on, bring so much chaos in one's life. So, maybe it was not just an hour... maybe it was two years of bad choices... guilty pleasures... insane spontaneity. What would you expect from a young naive girl who grew up misguided, overprotected and confused?

I don't know where my story begins. Was it when I was born, my first love, my first broken heart? Or is it the first tragedy in my life, or the time I overcame my monsters (some of them, anyway)? What if there really is no story, and my life is the same as everybody else's? Then, wouldn't it be great? Then, I wouldn't feel so alone, so misunderstood, so misplaced. Maybe I would not see myself as broken, but normal...

Maybe I can finally look myself in the mirror and see ME again.

-prescribed by-

@8:00 PM

-0 came for therapy session-

Black cloud hanging over me

I am sick. Since late June, I've been afflicted with acute allergic dermatitis and it has not relented up to now. I hate it. Couple this with my asthma and I'm a poster child for unfortunate bitches in the world. Ive been making the doctors in HK rich with my afflictions.

I sigh as I recall those earlier months this year where everything was sorta normal. I miss the healthy me.

So, it's not really a black cloud hanging over me. More of a typhoon or hurricane-devastating-everything-in-its-wake kind of cloud hanging over me.

I just want to be normal again.

-prescribed by-

@8:40 AM

-0 came for therapy session-

Friday, September 03, 2004

Positive thinking

Positive thinking is said to be a powerful tool. If you just send a positive message, or outlook, out into the universe, then the universe will, in turn, work its wonders for you.

In the past few months, I've been up and down. Earlier this year, I've maintained a positive outlook in life, and it seemed to be working. My husband got promoted, got a raise, my freelance job was also paying well... and everybody's that important to me was healthy and getting on with life.

But somewhere along the way, I think the universe got mixed up. Maybe our lines were crossed, there was no signal in their area, maybe the solar flare caused some interference when I was sending positive vibes out there.

I got sick. And every month, it would be a different sickness. As soon as I breathe a sigh of relief, I would develop an illness that would leave me weak, confused and broke.

The latest ailment stuck to me for two months, I'm still suffering from it. To make matters worse, my husband developed his own ailment requiring him to get physiotherapy.

With all my positive thinking, I was getting crap in return.

The other night, I was watching this show titled, "Strong Medicine", and there was this character who probably went through hell her entire life. One of her lines stuck to me 'coz I knew how that felt. She said that she was tired of getting through.

"I'm tired of getting through. I'm always getting through something all my life. And when I get through, there's just another horror show on the other side."

And that is what's happening to me. I am not living my life. I am just getting through. And after I get through, there'd be another thing waiting for me that I have to get through.

So, universe, if you can hear me... work with me. Stop sending me these negative vibes... I'm tired.

-prescribed by-

@9:41 PM

-0 came for therapy session-

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Where am i?

I am twenty-six years old, turning twenty-seven soon... still, I find myself lost in a world I thought I would never be in.

Do you remember a time when you were young and you think you've got it all figured out? When I was in my senior year in high school, I thought that college would be something I'd sail through, I'd be able to get a job easily at the best TV network and be a news reporter right after college... then I'd get married by the time I'm twenty-four...

Well, wouldn't you know it... Life happened to me.

Now, I'm in a place in my life where I know I should take control of my life again. For these past few years, I've been letting things just happen around me, which I realize now is a foolish thing to do... you wake up one day and you find out that you've become a stranger to yourself.

If my sixteen-year old self could see me today, she'd probably say, "What a pathetic loser."

Cheers.

-prescribed by-

@5:29 PM

-2 came for therapy session-